Dealing With Death

We were having a group Christmas party today and towards the end of the party, our admin passed around a card for all of us to sign cuz one of the engineers' mother just passed away. I was the first to sign the card and it took me a while to figure something to write. I don't remember what I wrote, but it was short and simple. I mean who really knows what to write after what happened. There's very little anybody can say or do. But it got me thinking... (yeah right...like I do that often...hahaha) I started to think back a few months when I lost my grandmother. For some reason...I didn't really cry. I think I'm lacking a lot of emotions. Even hearing the news today about my colleague's' mother I didn't really feel too much pain. I was more thinking..."crap...what do I write down"...more than I was thinking about his pain and suffer.
Then I started thinking..."hey...how come they didn't do anything for me?". Not to be selfish, but that then got me to start thinking how ppl deal with death so differently. I think I'm such an oddball cuz whenever things like this happens to someone close to me...I don't really deal with it. I kind of ignore it and just keep moving on with life. Everyone else seems to dwell on the lost. Again...I'm an oddball. And they all like to give cards and console each other...where as...I don't want consoling...I just want to be left alone. Plus...there's really nothing anybody can say to me that would make me feel any better. The more that ppl try to console you, the more they're just bringing up the pain. That must be my reason for wanting to be left alone. I don't need to be reminded of what just happened. When my grandmother passed away, nobody knew because I didn't say anything. I just went on with my days like it was any other day. I didn't even make it to her funeral. I guess I didn't feel like I needed to be there cuz I had just visited her a month before she passed.
But not to get off track...
Like today...we signed the card for him...like that's really gonna do anything for him. It doesn't change the fact that his mother has passed. An old buddy of mine lost his lil 9yr old cousin earlier this year due to cancer and I didn't even make any efforts to console him. And when my other friend lost her grandfather last year, I did really lil to console her. I just didn't know that ppl want to be consoled. Now I feel terrible that ppl want to make a big deal out of death and that I didn't do enough as a friend to console my friends. I just thought that they would rather be left alone like I would. I know...the world does not cycle around me, but that's my point...ppl deal with death so differently. I know it's a painful thing to go through, but I only know how to deal with it my way.
I like to take the opportunities at funerals to celebrate the person's life...not to be all sad about it. Especially if the person died of old age...it's a good thing as long as they go quickly and peacefully. I just don't want to have to see anybody suffer from pain. It's a lil different when someone so young passes away though cuz they really haven't lived life. But still...I would not cry...I would celebrate all that the person has done. We all eventually have to go (hopefully later than sooner)...why not make it a big celebration to show the person how much you care. The last thing I want to see at my funeral is a bunch of sad faces. Everyone better be happy or drunk...hahaha. No tears...just laughter. Remind me of how wonderful my life was.